My Dark Obsession

shall now only be reserved for philisophical thoughts, or angry hate rants. if you want to keep this one on your list, keep it, if not you can delete it.

hey all. i'm going to make a new journal, because i feel this one is not private enuff. i don't want certain people reading my shit anymore. i have a list of who i have for sure decided will be on my new journal's friends list. if anyone else would like to be added, ask. if anyone who is on the list would not like to be added, let me know.

the list:

people whom i comment often or they often comment me:
alicesakura
ersatz_alice
cynicallips
deliriumtranzi
orange_crush666

people i find have interesting posts that i love to read:
starry_doll
writerzblock
vinny_life
memoir_ofadolli

for their poetry:
cobbleroads_
xfalse_outlookx

real life friends:
midnightdesire6
dark_n_evil666
dontget2close19
jokerspuppet

my other journals:
thejoker1985
selene666
degana666
jokerspoetry

i hate it when you do ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING to people, and they betray you, and go ahead and stab you in the back with a knife. FOR NO REASON AT ALL. IT'S SO FUCKING GAY!!

we did see michael, cara, bri, and dave saturday night at the bowling alley when mark treated us and billy and spondo to bowling. michael was looking shaggy and run-down. he made eye contact with me twice. i still am curious as to what his motives were, though. am i, or was i, really that annoying? that he would create lies to keep me away? i guess. whatever. he doesn't matter anyway.
any man who will tell a girl "i love you" just so she will get him off when she would have done it anyway isn't a nice person. guys like that are the scum of the earth. that hurts the girl the most...when u say i love you but never really mean it.
so last night jamie caught a bluegill that was as long as from his fingertips to the middle of his forearm. and 2" thick!! he caught like 6 big ass ones.
he also paid 3 bucks for a blueberry hoota, but i didn't get to help billy jamie and steven smoke it, cuz i was sleeping in the truck. i was so tired last night.
jamie and i are now into waking me up by doing naughty things. hehe. i love the feeling.

last night i dreampt that jamie, dave, cara, michael, and me were all in a very large, hepped up version of maconaquah high school. i had made love to jamie in the dream, and for some reason, i started bleeding a lil when i went pee. school policy dictated that they had to give me something. but i told them it was probably just because i made love w/my husband too hard. they said ok, but gave me two tampons and a slip to leave school early if i wanted to anyway. (i got one tampon from a mentally slow lil boy, and one from a counselor. how wierd.)
prior to this, i dreampt (in the same dream) that michael had forgiven me and we were friends again. and i sat on his lap (as he rolled his eyes) and gave him a hug. but he hugged me back anyway. how wierd.

May 6, 2006

everyone is in a bad mood. i think, perhaps, it's all because of me. perhaps. i don't know. i know mom is mad because lunch is not going according to plan. she wants to cook something, but everyone is hungry now and everything takes too long to cook. so she's cussing. and dad is pissed cuz she is cussing and he's trying to watch babylon 5. jamie is mad at me because i procrastinate. i'm mad at myself cuz i'm gaining weight and i don't fit in anything but clothes that stretch. dammit i'm getting fat lol. i eat too much, i think. and my stomach has been upset for the past 2 days straight and today. (always at night late or early in the morning.) i need to lose weight so i will fit my clothes again. going with mom to get Ching. (chinese food.) post more later.

How many times has someone on your friends list posted about something and you were really confused, but you didn't want to ask because you knew you SHOULD know?
How many times have you felt 'guilty' asking a close LJ friend a question that should be 'obvious'?
Well, here's your chance. If you've missed a few things, missed an entry and are confused, ask me anything. Even something EXTREMELY basic, like where I live! I'm not allowed to get even slightly irritated at any of the questions - we've all missed things before.
Ask me anything :]

hey dumbass don't ya know i haven't updated my fucking myspace profile in forever so fuck you. second i would like to say that you are the childish one since you aren't grown up enough to talk to my face and tell me what you think. so you're the kid, not me. at least i have balls enough to say what i fucking feel. and that's ok cuz your cats are dumb. i shant say anything about amanda because she is an innocent. a child. children never deserve hatred. not until they grow up. except you are a child who deserves my hatred. asshole. oh, and one more thing if you're going to talk shit about me behind my back, don't try and fucking add me to your yahoo messenger you dumbass. that's all i have to say and if i never see or talk or even hear about you again i will be happy. unless of course you die, that will make me even happier. but whatever. i don't need assholes like you and kenny and whoever the fuck else is talking shit behind my back about me in my life. so fuck you. oh, and even more immature you block me from commenting on your journal. yup that is so mature of you. stupid fatass fucker. choke on all that food you eat and die.

it's like an emptiness inside of me. a hole of nothingness. i'm so lonely. because i don't have any friends anymore. the only friends i have are friends of jamie's but i guess that's better than nothing, right? something is always better than nothing, isn't it?

maybe not always...

it's so saddening that none of my old friends have time for me anymore. i could have time for them whenever i wanted. but i can't be around kenny. especially alone. jamie doesn't trust him and i can't blame jamie for that, because kenny and i did betray jamie's trust in us.

i wish michael hadn't treated me the way he did. but he did and there's nothing that can change that. and even if he did miraculously turn into a nice person, jamie would kill him if he got anywhere near me. because of what michael did to me. but that's in the past and his true self is what made me let him go and stop loving him and cover up the tattoo. and i'm glad for it. because had that not happened, had i not went through that pain, jamie and i would not be as good as we are now.

i guess the phrase, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." applies very well to my life in this situation. i went through so much pain anger hurt confusion love suicidal thoughts everything all of it, to get to this point, and i'm on top of the mountain now. now it can only get better. i've hit bottom and seen it try it's worst to hurt me and to kill me but i've triumphed and moved on and i'm gonna keep being strong from that moment on. no more whiny childish bullshit, no more loving everyone under the sun, no more having sex with anyone but my fiancee... "no more stones being thrown, no more taunts cried out. everything just blissfully..normal." --Sally, Practical Magic

i believe that this emptiness is simply a true lack and need of some good friends that i can trust. someone i can talk to about anything, that won't open their mouth to everyone. someone that i can turn to in times of need and pain, and always find refuge in their safety of their friendship.
i need some friends like that...

i think everyone needs some friends like that.

May 1st, 2006 11*32 pm Monday

so, jamie took me (free) kitten shopping, which was SO awesome! we got 3. we were going to get a Main Coon kitten today, but we never could get a hold of the chick who had them. her answering machine picked up every time.
but anyway, one is all black, w/a white tummy and white feet, and gorgeous dark green eyes. her name is Sox. she's my favorite of all the kittens :)

May 3, 2006 2*12 pm Wednesday

so, yesterday i discovered Jinx (our light orange kitten, kinda fuzzy, beautiful dark blue eyes) is a boy. we thought it was a girl cuz the lady we got him from said he was. but i found out he's a boy. his original name was peaches, and i didn't think that was such a good name for a boy cat. so i re-named him Jinx, after the orange tabby cat we had when i was a lil kid.
the other girl we got is a turtleshell calico with eyes almost the same shade green as sox's.(sox is currently napping on my lap so cute!!) we named her Patches.
Jamie got off work early yesterday cuz it was all wet. he woke me up and had jinx to keep me company while he went out to the barn to make makeshift ladders and bridges and steps for the kittens to play on.
jinx purred for me for the first time yesterday. :)
anyways, last night, we went w/Billy and Spondo on a roadie. we were less than a mile from home, and we got pulled over by a fucking cop. and jame had the weed and the pipe in his pocket. the cop took all our id's, and asked spondo to get out of the car. (if jamie had got caught with one more possession, it would be a felony.) well while spon was out talking to the cop, jamie nonchalantly moved the contents to his hoodie pocket. it's a good thing that spon mentioned everyone he knew back there, bc it turns out the cop was buddies with one of the dudes that lives back there. so he let us go. that was the second most scary thing i've had happen to me in my entire fucking life.

so, midnight came back yesterday and is still here today so that's good. baby came back for a bit yesterday as well and is so fucking pregnant it's rediculous!! i think midders walked baby back to her other home then came back. and for some reason, dusty, shade nor durragon will come to me at all. they will run from me actually. i got to freaking chase them if i want to pet them. maybe they are just pissed off that i brought some kittens home. idk.
so today sox followed me indoors and i got her to purr for the first time, which made me feel really special. :D :)

kenny thinks that because i'm not coming to his party that i hate him and i don't know what to say...

so, mom and dad left yesterday morning around 9 am for their anniversary trip. they are going to illinois. they called me last night and said they were in a place called champagne, illinois, and they had registered at a comfort inn there. (comfort inns are always the favorite hotels of my family. also very affordable.) dad said there was also a large shopping mall close to their hotel. so they were gonna go check that out. today they were going to go a lil farther south and see a lincoln museum in botanical gardens.

i watched sex and the city for the first time last night. it's actually immensely good. i thought it would be retarded, but it was definitely good. i think i officially have another new favorite show. :)

well, i'm gonna go write some letters and eat some food. post more later if need be. love y'all!!

i need some friends to talk to! my yahoo is selene66624

what am i doing here? why am i alive and awake? or am i sleeping, dreaming? i don't wanna be awake anymore. i want to go back to my dream world with my purple sky and black clouds of lullaby.

i wish that all the pain, anger, and confusion would all go away. i don't want to feel anything anymore, except for what i feel for jamie. cuz those are all good feelings.

The pain is searing, burning, waiting for the flesh to fall off. The heart cruelly exposed to the cold and heartlessness of the outside world. And all the wrongdoings in this world, all the horrible events of everything. And all of that is all my fault. Was 9/11 somehow, in some fucking adverse way, all my fault? When i found out about it, i felt not sad, but guilty. Fucking guilty!! As if, in some odd, adverse way, what happened that day was my fault. This is in no way normal.

~Normal~

What is normalcy? Does normalcy exist, even?

How can it, when we are all different? But then I guess what popular society believes as a whole must be the truth. It always fucking is.

so, brianna is now doing the same thing that i once did. being in love with both kenny and jeff. i know from experience it's too much pain to be worth it. but then jeff never really loved me. i don't think any of them ever really cared. that's what i feel like.

sometimes i wonder if anyone throughout my life has ever really cared about me. if they did, it's probably no more than five or ten people. jamie included of course. (of the people who care that is.) now that i look back and think on it, alot of the people that i named as friends never really were my friends. they just used me, for one thing or another. and i was used to it. i thought it was ok. i thought it was fucking normal. that's the part that makes me sick to my stomach the most.

i'm so tired of the pain and agony and hate and anger that all of this brings me. i'm just so tired. period.

i want to see jeff when he gets back. but i can't. i can't be around brianna or kenny and they are always going to be around him. besides, what i feel/felt for jeff, deep in my heart of hearts could cause problems with jamie and i. and i don't want that at all. i just want all the feelings to go away and never come back.

same with the pain.

haha i feel like an alligator anyways. my sunburn is peeling really badly, and my shoulders are all gross and scaly and they look like alligator skin, since that's where i got burnt the worst. and i definitely can't peel the skin off cuz it hurts worse then.

i brought shade and dusty out here y-day, and shade has perked right back up and i think she feels much better outside. dusty has not been seen since late last night, but then he could just be exploring the woods. i won't be worried about it just yet i don't think. hopefully he'll be back soon. if not jamie and i will go look for him in the woods. i'll never forgive myself if anything happens to him.

rearranging of our room in progress. more later.
love everyone!!

so my mom came in this morning when i was reading myspace bulletins and told me hoppy easter and gave me a hug. and i thought that was a clever phrase so i stoleded it from her lol.

yesterday, jamie, billy and i went fishin at the ponds. we caught 6 good sized bluegill. jamie caught a good size bass but it sucked cuz when he took it off the hook, then the fish wriggled out of his hand and fell bak in the water. i caught two of the bluegill (one big ass one and a lil one) and billy caught one big ass one and jamie caught the rest. 3 of the 6 were hybrid bluegill. basically just more colorful. they soaked in milk last night and me and jamie are going to cook them today probably for supper. maybe lunch, if he gets up. he's still in bed currently.
but yeah, i forgot sunscreen, and so i am burnt to hell and it hurts like a son of a fucking bitch! i had on a tank top and boxers so i am burnt from my shoulders to the middle of my fingers, and from the middle of my thighs all the way to the tops of my toes. cuz i had my socks and shoes off y-day so i could stick me feets in the water.
it was funny as hell how i caught one fish (and we shoulda kept him but jamie didn't want it to be just that one). but i was watching jamie...he was trying to teach me how to cast with a normal pole instead of a push button one. well i had the pushbutton one i was using in my right hand, not paying attention and it was hanging in the water and i forgot it had a nightcrawler on it. well i felt a jerk, so i pulled it up out of the water and there was a bluegill. on the bright side, he didn't get my bait lol. but that made for a very hearty laugh!!
we went over to the lil pond and jamie finally caught me a turtle. i named him speedy. i am gonna put more stuff in his tank. right now there's jus water and this lil shelf thing i have in there for him to get out of the water a lil more. the water isn't deep enough for him to swim in though. i think i am gonna have to paint the sides or at least one of them though cuz he keeps knocking his head against the sides. and i don't want him to die. i heard turtles die that way but idk.
i wanted a frog too but those turtles eat frogs. :(

my bellybutton ring (the shamrock one) fell out of my ear this morning on my way down to the bathroom. that was aggravating. luckily i found the ball and post without troubles.

yeah i think i'm getting a UTI. i have to pee all the fucking time. plus i drank cranberry juice last nite, so i had to wake up and pee alot. then it was hard to sleep cuz of the sunburn, also cuz the fucking turtle kept waking me up. it was very hard to sleep so i didn't get much good sleep. so i'm right tired right now. but i'll be ok.

today is also me and jamie's one month anniversary. :) we got each other rings. engagement rings. his is surgical steel with dragons on it. mine's 10k gold with a cz heart and the gold next to the cz is twisted into two heart shapes. it's so cute!! :D i so happy.

so my mom came in this morning when i was reading myspace bulletins and told me hoppy easter and gave me a hug. and i thought that was a clever phrase so i stoleded it from her lol.

yesterday, jamie, billy and i went fishin at the ponds. we caught 6 good sized bluegill. jamie caught a good size bass but it sucked cuz when he took it off the hook, then the fish wriggled out of his hand and fell bak in the water. i caught two of the bluegill (one big ass one and a lil one) and billy caught one big ass one and jamie caught the rest. 3 of the 6 were hybrid bluegill. basically just more colorful. they soaked in milk last night and me and jamie are going to cook them today probably for supper. maybe lunch, if he gets up. he's still in bed currently.
but yeah, i forgot sunscreen, and so i am burnt to hell and it hurts like a son of a fucking bitch! i had on a tank top and boxers so i am burnt from my shoulders to the middle of my fingers, and from the middle of my thighs all the way to the tops of my toes. cuz i had my socks and shoes off y-day so i could stick me feets in the water.
it was funny as hell how i caught one fish (and we shoulda kept him but jamie didn't want it to be just that one). but i was watching jamie...he was trying to teach me how to cast with a normal pole instead of a push button one. well i had the pushbutton one i was using in my right hand, not paying attention and it was hanging in the water and i forgot it had a nightcrawler on it. well i felt a jerk, so i pulled it up out of the water and there was a bluegill. on the bright side, he didn't get my bait lol. but that made for a very hearty laugh!!

Give me 1000 comments in this entry. Or whatever, really. YOU, in particular, don't have to supply the whole 1000, but a tiny contribution would be nice. Then let me know if you post this in your journal and I'll return the favor.

Pictures, lyrics, anything the word SPAM over and over. Feel free to tell me something about yourself, or screen your comments. Do whatever you want! It's all up to you.

Please entertain me!

so i haven't updated for a while. sorry about that, to everyone who actually reads this thing.

i've been busy lately. i am solely with jamie now. and he and i are trying to get an apartment together. i also am the happiest that i think i have ever been. :)

in other news, since i bought the pentacle i wear on a chain round my neck every day, i have never taken it off except to clean it. well now in addition i have a lot of other stuff on there: an egyptian medallion, my japanese dime cara gave me, my grandma's engagement ring, and jamie's lucky nickel. well, needless to say, it has become quite heavy. so i took it off last night and put it on the floor next to the bed so's i could sleep. and without it i had two dreams. the first one was quite wierd, and the second was just flat out terrifying. i woke up drenched in my own sweat. i have now vowed never to take it off the rest of my friggen life. even if i just have to take some things off of it when i sleep, the pentacle stays ON.

i think i am going to surprise jamie and make him a myspace account today. also on my agenda is to make him an email account, and to make myself another lj account solely for my poetry.

well, i have to let terrance go. he and angela are back together. and as much as i may not like her, i want to see him happy. and i can see how happy he is with her. if she's around, he won't even look at me. i think because he is paying attention to her. but i don't blame him. she is perfect at least...so much more perfect than i could ever be. i love him enough to let him go...to let him be happy. i WANT him to be happy....even if it's not with me. but i will always love him and i will always be there for him when he needs me.

so jamie and i got into a fight yesterday and one the day before that. but yesterday was because i had not taken my medication. and what i wrote in my journal upset him. but i write when i'm upset. it helps me get my feelings out. but we are ok now i think. he's just having a hard time understanding me. but i get it. i'm a hard one to understand. i think i'm going to give him all my old journals to read. maybe it will give him some insight as to who i am. i hope so anyway. but all in all jamie and i are doing good. i love him.

another shitty thing is that where my right shoulderblade connects with my spine, those bones have definitely been fucking grinding together ALL DAY LONG. it hurts like a mother fucker. and pain pills don't even help. :(

o, in other news, jamie and i broke Blue in tonight ;) hehe. i love the way he moans for me. :D

so one of my friends had a shocking admission to me today. but i will keep that to myself. but i'm glad that i can be here for her and help her understand it.

i think that jamie and i are going to price some apartments. so that whenever he gets back on track with the whole job thing, we can get a place together. that will be awesome. it's just getting way too awkward living with kenny. he keeps trying to kiss me and all that. but i don't exactly have the heart to tell him to stop cuz i know it will piss him off. i don't want to hear the bitching.