My Dark Obsession

i don't fucking know

2010-02-05T17:08:07Z

so i was talking to pat last night, about this whole situation of mine. and i realized that while what i have with josh may be boring and constant, it's also safe. josh knows about my defect, and sam doesn't. and i am sure that if i tell sam, even if he does like me right now, that would put an end to it very quickly. idk. i think i'll talk to cara n ask her about it. she's known him for years so she'd know better than i how he'd react.
i bought him a cute soft stuffed leopard for vday. idk if he even likes stuffed animals, but if he hates it then i'll just keep the damn thing. it is cute, after all. i'm just hoping he appreciates the sentiment, ya know? the fact i actually thought of him.
wanna go over to cara's today but i'm hoping the weather will behave for just a lil bit longer n not get horrible horrible. also hopin mom will be gracious enough to watch tommy so i can go over there. cara really needs to get her shit organized so it will be easier for her to move whenever she can move.

i'm fucking lost...

2010-02-04T02:16:59Z

what happened on the day of February 1, 2010:
so when i got to cara's, sam was already there. they went to the trailer court to talk to the landlady n i stayed w/the kids. she said that cara didn't have to pay a security deposit again, cuz she left on good terms. so she just has to come up w/the first month's rent. so that's cool. :) so after that, the 3 of us plus tommy went n picked up sam's buddy from the high school (maconaquah) and we took him home. so when we were on the way to get this kid, sammie said something smart ass (don't remember what it was now) n i responded with "lick my ass!" and he responded with I i would," n i'm pretty sure i blushed. lol. so then we dropped that guy off at his house n went to mcd's so we could get food n so cara could ask minor for the use of his truck. tommy n i sat in the car while cara n sam went in. so we waited. after a while, same came out n jumped in the driver's seat and proclaimed, "i'm drivin!" n i told him, "yeah good luck w/that one." not making eye contact, i asked, "so, is it bad that i got all prettied up for you today?" and he said, "you got all prettied up for me?" n i sheepishly said yes. and he said "awwwww," n leaned over n gave me a big kiss on the cheek, n then he hugged me. which sucked, only because i wasn't at all prepared lol. so i was only able to half ass awkwardly hug him back. then again (not lookin at him), i asked if it was bad that i like him. n he said "i know. it's kinda easy to tell." when i braved a look at him, he was smiling. and it was about that time that cara come back out n the moment was gone. he didn't say nothin about liking me back, tho. so fast forward to back at cara's house. there was a point where sam n i were both leaned back on the couch, n cara was next to him on the other side, perched on the edge. well, i had my leg up on the couch (bed) too, n he rested his arm on my knee n thigh area. then he commented that i made a good armrest, and i told him i had to be good for something. lol. but there was no rubbin or nothin, he was just resting his arm there. and later on, he was sittin on the floor n i was sittin on the bed indian style n he laid his head down on (woulda been my lap) but ended up on my hand cuz my hand was sittin on my legs n just rested his head there for several minutes. so i took my other hand n started rubbing his head n he let me. then i remarked on how (omg fucking) soft his hair is n he told me i shoulda seen it when it was long cuz i woulda loved it. it was a sweet moment. :) so then fast forward again. sam was gettin ready to go to work n me n cara was goin back in town. so cara had told me to get my ass up n get ready, but she was in the way of me gettin to my shoes. i told her she was in my way, she moved, then he got in my way. and i said "now YOU'RE in my way." and he looked at me with a smirk on his face for a second then he leaned down n kissed me on the lips!!!! it was so quick n feather light that i didn't even have time to react. just a touch of lips. i looked down (super embarrassed!) n kicked a random box next to my foot n complained that that wasn't fair. cuz it wasn't!!!! i didn't even have time to get to show off my good kissin skills lol. but his eyes were closed, not open. i know this cuz mine were open because he surprised me!!

February 2, 2010
but then today he was sorta standoffish. so i wonder if cara yelled at him for it....cuz i told her about it, but i thought she'd seen it when it happened. if she did yell at him for it, that's stupid, cuz it didn't even count as an actual kiss if you ask me. she keeps telling me it's ok that i like him n i can do whatever n it's whatever but i'm still freaking out about it, still worrying i'm pissing her off, n feeling guilty for even liking him in the first place.
we were at mcd's when sam was workin n i texted him from cara's phone that he has a nice smile n he should use it. so the next time he saw me, he smiled. and i thanked him for it, then he said he might not come over to cara's (not meanin it) cuz she said something smartass to him n i said "but i wanna see you" n he avoided me that by asking about my makeup but he gave me a hug before i left cara's last night. (which popped my neck, lol.) so basically, i'm fuckin lost.

my confused emotions and stress flying through the air to smack me in the back of the head..........

2010-01-31T19:28:07Z

firstly and foremostly...megan my dearest friend give me advice of whatever you can give after you read this please and thank you. also, last night when i was in the grocery store, i saw a whole shelf of chip mates and started laughing. i took a picture with my cell phone because it reminded me of you lol.

i like sammie. at this point it's sort of a severe crush. this is bad news. at the heart of it, i really don't think i want to cheat on josh...but i'm just kind of bored with the relationship at the moment. i think it's cuz we've got this stagnance and the excitement has already petered off. normally it's at least 6 months before things start to get stale. it's only been 4 months as of yesterday and it's already stale. i hate that fact.

i'm wearing my joker hoodie....sammie wore it last night and so now it smells like a mixture of sammie and cara...it smells wicked awesome :)

i told cara how i'm feeling, and she's ok with is. she is trying to have something more serious with james, not sammie. she said i could totally date him. and i told her i didn't think i could juggle two boyfriends anymore lol. and she said i prolly could since i only get to see josh once a week..which is true but i'd feel too guilty. i wouldn't be able to do that to either of them i don't think.

i started a notebook for sammie and i to write each other in, but he said he wants a composition notebook so i'm gonna have to start a different one for us. i said last night that i would just take the one home n use it for random shit or whatever. but then before i left he told me to leave it there. so i did.

i met cara at mcdonald's last night. then we swung over to kroger's n met her mom n scott. then we all went in n got dogfood for puck it and tp for rusty. (why a 30some year old lil asian dude can't buy his own tp is beyond me) lol. then cara and scott and i went back to mcdonald's to get rusty's food. and i bought cara and i both hot chocolates and sammie made them :) the manager (not sure wat her name was) n sammie were teasin each other n eventually it escalated to the point of her spritzing him in the back of the neck with whipped cream lol. and so he ended up coming out from behind the couter, taking off his hoodie, and then his work shirt and then his shirt he had underneath n wiping off the work shirt n then puttin it back on. and damn he has a fiiiiiine ass chest. he's so not shy. he's taken his pants off in front of me twice now. (he still had his boxers on but still lol.) customers came in n he went to shut his shirt real quick cuz it wasn't buttoned and his gay side totally showed cuz it was two younger guys and he was like "hey boys" lmao. i literally put my hand over my face n had to laugh. so he got all shirted back up n i stood over to the side with him n scott so i wouldn't be in the way of actual customers. (we had to sit and wait cuz rusty wanted apple pies too, n they didn't have none made.) and he was like, what you want a hug or something? and i was like sure and hugged him. it was a longer ish hug. i told him i wasn't gonna turn down free hugs lol.

then we went n took scott out to rusty's n dropped him off along with the stuff. then we came back n met mom n skie at kroger's n was there till past 2 am sheesh. lol. after we got done we went back over to mcdonald's n larry stood outside n talked to cara n cara yelled at sammie that i felt unloved so he came n got in the car lol. then he said "hi julie i missed you" and i was like "awww well that's sweet" and then he was like "you're sweet" and i said "quit you're gonna make me blush" and then i turned around n proceeded to tell him that he owes me...not sure what yet but he owes me. cuz a few days ago sammie texted josh's phone thinkin it was mine n looking for me n josh got all fucking shitty about it. and so i caught a fucking TON of shit over sammie. which is lame bullshit but whatever. josh is just too anal sometimes, especially when it comes to his phone.

so anyway cara n i took the groceries back to the house n sammie was comin soon as he was done closing the store. so i finished his letter n when he got there he read it. n then he told me he prefers composition notebooks to ringed ones cuz he's super picky about his notebooks lol. n i said i'd take the one home n just use it for whatever n as i was gettin my shoes on gettin ready to leave he told me to leave it there for him. so i did. idk what his plan was but i did as he asked. and he lifted up my sleeve n looked at my afe tat lol. him n cara was layin in bed together n she was almost asleep.....so i jus leaned down n gave them both a hug at the same time. so that my body n my boobs were on her n i just stuck my arm around him. she was snuggled under the covers so she didn't move lol. but he put his arm around me n (while his arm was still around me) i leaned down n kissed cara on the cheek n told her i'd call her after work. n as i was doin this, sammie was runnin his hand up n down my arm. so i kinda squeezed his side with my hand as i slid away. n he didn't just drop his arm, either, we kinda slid apart...like you do normally when u don't wanna let go of someone.

i'm ready to play pool again dammit.

cara said the poem that i wrote as a possibility for our tattoo was too long lol. i told her i didn't know it needed to be short. n she said it didn't, just that she wasn't sure she had room for it anywhere. i told her she could do it down her ribs but she complained that would hurt too much which i'm sure it would lol. then she said i'll do it if you do it. and i would do it, but i'm too fat. and only hot skinny people with no fat rolls look good with rib tats. i have too many creases n rolls n it would look fucked up.

this journal

2006-05-13T16:09:40Z

shall now only be reserved for philisophical thoughts, or angry hate rants. if you want to keep this one on your list, keep it, if not you can delete it.

new journal

2006-05-10T14:38:48Z

hey all. i'm going to make a new journal, because i feel this one is not private enuff. i don't want certain people reading my shit anymore. i have a list of who i have for sure decided will be on my new journal's friends list. if anyone else would like to be added, ask. if anyone who is on the list would not like to be added, let me know.

the list:

people whom i comment often or they often comment me:
alicesakura
ersatz_alice
cynicallips
deliriumtranzi
orange_crush666

people i find have interesting posts that i love to read:
starry_doll
writerzblock
vinny_life
memoir_ofadolli

for their poetry:
cobbleroads_
xfalse_outlookx

real life friends:
midnightdesire6
dark_n_evil666
dontget2close19
jokerspuppet

my other journals:
thejoker1985
selene666
degana666
jokerspoetry

ANNOYANCE

2006-05-08T16:01:21Z

i hate it when you do ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING to people, and they betray you, and go ahead and stab you in the back with a knife. FOR NO REASON AT ALL. IT'S SO FUCKING GAY!!

the real entry

2006-05-08T15:42:00Z

we did see michael, cara, bri, and dave saturday night at the bowling alley when mark treated us and billy and spondo to bowling. michael was looking shaggy and run-down. he made eye contact with me twice. i still am curious as to what his motives were, though. am i, or was i, really that annoying? that he would create lies to keep me away? i guess. whatever. he doesn't matter anyway.
any man who will tell a girl "i love you" just so she will get him off when she would have done it anyway isn't a nice person. guys like that are the scum of the earth. that hurts the girl the most...when u say i love you but never really mean it.
so last night jamie caught a bluegill that was as long as from his fingertips to the middle of his forearm. and 2" thick!! he caught like 6 big ass ones.
he also paid 3 bucks for a blueberry hoota, but i didn't get to help billy jamie and steven smoke it, cuz i was sleeping in the truck. i was so tired last night.
jamie and i are now into waking me up by doing naughty things. hehe. i love the feeling.

odd dream

2006-05-08T15:27:47Z

last night i dreampt that jamie, dave, cara, michael, and me were all in a very large, hepped up version of maconaquah high school. i had made love to jamie in the dream, and for some reason, i started bleeding a lil when i went pee. school policy dictated that they had to give me something. but i told them it was probably just because i made love w/my husband too hard. they said ok, but gave me two tampons and a slip to leave school early if i wanted to anyway. (i got one tampon from a mentally slow lil boy, and one from a counselor. how wierd.)
prior to this, i dreampt (in the same dream) that michael had forgiven me and we were friends again. and i sat on his lap (as he rolled his eyes) and gave him a hug. but he hugged me back anyway. how wierd.

bad moods all around

2006-05-08T15:16:42Z

May 6, 2006

everyone is in a bad mood. i think, perhaps, it's all because of me. perhaps. i don't know. i know mom is mad because lunch is not going according to plan. she wants to cook something, but everyone is hungry now and everything takes too long to cook. so she's cussing. and dad is pissed cuz she is cussing and he's trying to watch babylon 5. jamie is mad at me because i procrastinate. i'm mad at myself cuz i'm gaining weight and i don't fit in anything but clothes that stretch. dammit i'm getting fat lol. i eat too much, i think. and my stomach has been upset for the past 2 days straight and today. (always at night late or early in the morning.) i need to lose weight so i will fit my clothes again. going with mom to get Ching. (chinese food.) post more later.

Did you miss something??

2006-05-08T15:06:18Z

How many times has someone on your friends list posted about something and you were really confused, but you didn't want to ask because you knew you SHOULD know?
How many times have you felt 'guilty' asking a close LJ friend a question that should be 'obvious'?
Well, here's your chance. If you've missed a few things, missed an entry and are confused, ask me anything. Even something EXTREMELY basic, like where I live! I'm not allowed to get even slightly irritated at any of the questions - we've all missed things before.
Ask me anything :]

DEAR IDIOT...

2006-05-08T15:01:26Z

hey dumbass don't ya know i haven't updated my fucking myspace profile in forever so fuck you. second i would like to say that you are the childish one since you aren't grown up enough to talk to my face and tell me what you think. so you're the kid, not me. at least i have balls enough to say what i fucking feel. and that's ok cuz your cats are dumb. i shant say anything about amanda because she is an innocent. a child. children never deserve hatred. not until they grow up. except you are a child who deserves my hatred. asshole. oh, and one more thing if you're going to talk shit about me behind my back, don't try and fucking add me to your yahoo messenger you dumbass. that's all i have to say and if i never see or talk or even hear about you again i will be happy. unless of course you die, that will make me even happier. but whatever. i don't need assholes like you and kenny and whoever the fuck else is talking shit behind my back about me in my life. so fuck you. oh, and even more immature you block me from commenting on your journal. yup that is so mature of you. stupid fatass fucker. choke on all that food you eat and die.

this loneliness i feel....

2006-05-04T14:57:35Z

it's like an emptiness inside of me. a hole of nothingness. i'm so lonely. because i don't have any friends anymore. the only friends i have are friends of jamie's but i guess that's better than nothing, right? something is always better than nothing, isn't it?

maybe not always...

it's so saddening that none of my old friends have time for me anymore. i could have time for them whenever i wanted. but i can't be around kenny. especially alone. jamie doesn't trust him and i can't blame jamie for that, because kenny and i did betray jamie's trust in us.

i wish michael hadn't treated me the way he did. but he did and there's nothing that can change that. and even if he did miraculously turn into a nice person, jamie would kill him if he got anywhere near me. because of what michael did to me. but that's in the past and his true self is what made me let him go and stop loving him and cover up the tattoo. and i'm glad for it. because had that not happened, had i not went through that pain, jamie and i would not be as good as we are now.

i guess the phrase, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." applies very well to my life in this situation. i went through so much pain anger hurt confusion love suicidal thoughts everything all of it, to get to this point, and i'm on top of the mountain now. now it can only get better. i've hit bottom and seen it try it's worst to hurt me and to kill me but i've triumphed and moved on and i'm gonna keep being strong from that moment on. no more whiny childish bullshit, no more loving everyone under the sun, no more having sex with anyone but my fiancee... "no more stones being thrown, no more taunts cried out. everything just blissfully..normal." --Sally, Practical Magic

i believe that this emptiness is simply a true lack and need of some good friends that i can trust. someone i can talk to about anything, that won't open their mouth to everyone. someone that i can turn to in times of need and pain, and always find refuge in their safety of their friendship.
i need some friends like that...

i think everyone needs some friends like that.

thejoker1985 @ 2006-05-03T14:53:00

2006-05-03T18:53:10Z

May 1st, 2006 11*32 pm Monday

so, jamie took me (free) kitten shopping, which was SO awesome! we got 3. we were going to get a Main Coon kitten today, but we never could get a hold of the chick who had them. her answering machine picked up every time.
but anyway, one is all black, w/a white tummy and white feet, and gorgeous dark green eyes. her name is Sox. she's my favorite of all the kittens :)

May 3, 2006 2*12 pm Wednesday

so, yesterday i discovered Jinx (our light orange kitten, kinda fuzzy, beautiful dark blue eyes) is a boy. we thought it was a girl cuz the lady we got him from said he was. but i found out he's a boy. his original name was peaches, and i didn't think that was such a good name for a boy cat. so i re-named him Jinx, after the orange tabby cat we had when i was a lil kid.
the other girl we got is a turtleshell calico with eyes almost the same shade green as sox's.(sox is currently napping on my lap so cute!!) we named her Patches.
Jamie got off work early yesterday cuz it was all wet. he woke me up and had jinx to keep me company while he went out to the barn to make makeshift ladders and bridges and steps for the kittens to play on.
jinx purred for me for the first time yesterday. :)
anyways, last night, we went w/Billy and Spondo on a roadie. we were less than a mile from home, and we got pulled over by a fucking cop. and jame had the weed and the pipe in his pocket. the cop took all our id's, and asked spondo to get out of the car. (if jamie had got caught with one more possession, it would be a felony.) well while spon was out talking to the cop, jamie nonchalantly moved the contents to his hoodie pocket. it's a good thing that spon mentioned everyone he knew back there, bc it turns out the cop was buddies with one of the dudes that lives back there. so he let us go. that was the second most scary thing i've had happen to me in my entire fucking life.

so, midnight came back yesterday and is still here today so that's good. baby came back for a bit yesterday as well and is so fucking pregnant it's rediculous!! i think midders walked baby back to her other home then came back. and for some reason, dusty, shade nor durragon will come to me at all. they will run from me actually. i got to freaking chase them if i want to pet them. maybe they are just pissed off that i brought some kittens home. idk.
so today sox followed me indoors and i got her to purr for the first time, which made me feel really special. :D :)

kenny thinks that because i'm not coming to his party that i hate him and i don't know what to say...

thejoker1985 @ 2006-04-27T11:22:00

2006-04-27T15:31:46Z

so, mom and dad left yesterday morning around 9 am for their anniversary trip. they are going to illinois. they called me last night and said they were in a place called champagne, illinois, and they had registered at a comfort inn there. (comfort inns are always the favorite hotels of my family. also very affordable.) dad said there was also a large shopping mall close to their hotel. so they were gonna go check that out. today they were going to go a lil farther south and see a lincoln museum in botanical gardens.

i watched sex and the city for the first time last night. it's actually immensely good. i thought it would be retarded, but it was definitely good. i think i officially have another new favorite show. :)

well, i'm gonna go write some letters and eat some food. post more later if need be. love y'all!!

i need some friends!!

2006-04-26T16:56:33Z

i need some friends to talk to! my yahoo is selene66624

feelings best left unsaid but i said them anyways

2006-04-24T13:51:25Z

what am i doing here? why am i alive and awake? or am i sleeping, dreaming? i don't wanna be awake anymore. i want to go back to my dream world with my purple sky and black clouds of lullaby.

i wish that all the pain, anger, and confusion would all go away. i don't want to feel anything anymore, except for what i feel for jamie. cuz those are all good feelings.

The pain is searing, burning, waiting for the flesh to fall off. The heart cruelly exposed to the cold and heartlessness of the outside world. And all the wrongdoings in this world, all the horrible events of everything. And all of that is all my fault. Was 9/11 somehow, in some fucking adverse way, all my fault? When i found out about it, i felt not sad, but guilty. Fucking guilty!! As if, in some odd, adverse way, what happened that day was my fault. This is in no way normal.

~Normal~

What is normalcy? Does normalcy exist, even?

How can it, when we are all different? But then I guess what popular society believes as a whole must be the truth. It always fucking is.

so, brianna is now doing the same thing that i once did. being in love with both kenny and jeff. i know from experience it's too much pain to be worth it. but then jeff never really loved me. i don't think any of them ever really cared. that's what i feel like.

sometimes i wonder if anyone throughout my life has ever really cared about me. if they did, it's probably no more than five or ten people. jamie included of course. (of the people who care that is.) now that i look back and think on it, alot of the people that i named as friends never really were my friends. they just used me, for one thing or another. and i was used to it. i thought it was ok. i thought it was fucking normal. that's the part that makes me sick to my stomach the most.

i'm so tired of the pain and agony and hate and anger that all of this brings me. i'm just so tired. period.

i want to see jeff when he gets back. but i can't. i can't be around brianna or kenny and they are always going to be around him. besides, what i feel/felt for jeff, deep in my heart of hearts could cause problems with jamie and i. and i don't want that at all. i just want all the feelings to go away and never come back.

same with the pain.

i'm an alligator!!

2006-04-22T23:06:09Z

haha i feel like an alligator anyways. my sunburn is peeling really badly, and my shoulders are all gross and scaly and they look like alligator skin, since that's where i got burnt the worst. and i definitely can't peel the skin off cuz it hurts worse then.

i brought shade and dusty out here y-day, and shade has perked right back up and i think she feels much better outside. dusty has not been seen since late last night, but then he could just be exploring the woods. i won't be worried about it just yet i don't think. hopefully he'll be back soon. if not jamie and i will go look for him in the woods. i'll never forgive myself if anything happens to him.

rearranging of our room in progress. more later.
love everyone!!

hoppy easter everyone

2006-04-16T15:32:03Z

so my mom came in this morning when i was reading myspace bulletins and told me hoppy easter and gave me a hug. and i thought that was a clever phrase so i stoleded it from her lol.

yesterday, jamie, billy and i went fishin at the ponds. we caught 6 good sized bluegill. jamie caught a good size bass but it sucked cuz when he took it off the hook, then the fish wriggled out of his hand and fell bak in the water. i caught two of the bluegill (one big ass one and a lil one) and billy caught one big ass one and jamie caught the rest. 3 of the 6 were hybrid bluegill. basically just more colorful. they soaked in milk last night and me and jamie are going to cook them today probably for supper. maybe lunch, if he gets up. he's still in bed currently.
but yeah, i forgot sunscreen, and so i am burnt to hell and it hurts like a son of a fucking bitch! i had on a tank top and boxers so i am burnt from my shoulders to the middle of my fingers, and from the middle of my thighs all the way to the tops of my toes. cuz i had my socks and shoes off y-day so i could stick me feets in the water.
it was funny as hell how i caught one fish (and we shoulda kept him but jamie didn't want it to be just that one). but i was watching jamie...he was trying to teach me how to cast with a normal pole instead of a push button one. well i had the pushbutton one i was using in my right hand, not paying attention and it was hanging in the water and i forgot it had a nightcrawler on it. well i felt a jerk, so i pulled it up out of the water and there was a bluegill. on the bright side, he didn't get my bait lol. but that made for a very hearty laugh!!
we went over to the lil pond and jamie finally caught me a turtle. i named him speedy. i am gonna put more stuff in his tank. right now there's jus water and this lil shelf thing i have in there for him to get out of the water a lil more. the water isn't deep enough for him to swim in though. i think i am gonna have to paint the sides or at least one of them though cuz he keeps knocking his head against the sides. and i don't want him to die. i heard turtles die that way but idk.
i wanted a frog too but those turtles eat frogs. :(

my bellybutton ring (the shamrock one) fell out of my ear this morning on my way down to the bathroom. that was aggravating. luckily i found the ball and post without troubles.

yeah i think i'm getting a UTI. i have to pee all the fucking time. plus i drank cranberry juice last nite, so i had to wake up and pee alot. then it was hard to sleep cuz of the sunburn, also cuz the fucking turtle kept waking me up. it was very hard to sleep so i didn't get much good sleep. so i'm right tired right now. but i'll be ok.

today is also me and jamie's one month anniversary. :) we got each other rings. engagement rings. his is surgical steel with dragons on it. mine's 10k gold with a cz heart and the gold next to the cz is twisted into two heart shapes. it's so cute!! :D i so happy.

hoppy easter everyone

2006-04-16T15:24:15Z

entertain me

2006-04-13T16:10:35Z

Give me 1000 comments in this entry. Or whatever, really. YOU, in particular, don't have to supply the whole 1000, but a tiny contribution would be nice. Then let me know if you post this in your journal and I'll return the favor.

Pictures, lyrics, anything the word SPAM over and over. Feel free to tell me something about yourself, or screen your comments. Do whatever you want! It's all up to you.

Please entertain me!

demons in my dreams....

2006-04-10T17:14:00Z

so i haven't updated for a while. sorry about that, to everyone who actually reads this thing.

i've been busy lately. i am solely with jamie now. and he and i are trying to get an apartment together. i also am the happiest that i think i have ever been. :)

in other news, since i bought the pentacle i wear on a chain round my neck every day, i have never taken it off except to clean it. well now in addition i have a lot of other stuff on there: an egyptian medallion, my japanese dime cara gave me, my grandma's engagement ring, and jamie's lucky nickel. well, needless to say, it has become quite heavy. so i took it off last night and put it on the floor next to the bed so's i could sleep. and without it i had two dreams. the first one was quite wierd, and the second was just flat out terrifying. i woke up drenched in my own sweat. i have now vowed never to take it off the rest of my friggen life. even if i just have to take some things off of it when i sleep, the pentacle stays ON.

i think i am going to surprise jamie and make him a myspace account today. also on my agenda is to make him an email account, and to make myself another lj account solely for my poetry.

you may shut the door, but i will always be on the other side....

2006-03-27T08:05:52Z

well, i have to let terrance go. he and angela are back together. and as much as i may not like her, i want to see him happy. and i can see how happy he is with her. if she's around, he won't even look at me. i think because he is paying attention to her. but i don't blame him. she is perfect at least...so much more perfect than i could ever be. i love him enough to let him go...to let him be happy. i WANT him to be happy....even if it's not with me. but i will always love him and i will always be there for him when he needs me.

so jamie and i got into a fight yesterday and one the day before that. but yesterday was because i had not taken my medication. and what i wrote in my journal upset him. but i write when i'm upset. it helps me get my feelings out. but we are ok now i think. he's just having a hard time understanding me. but i get it. i'm a hard one to understand. i think i'm going to give him all my old journals to read. maybe it will give him some insight as to who i am. i hope so anyway. but all in all jamie and i are doing good. i love him.

another shitty thing is that where my right shoulderblade connects with my spine, those bones have definitely been fucking grinding together ALL DAY LONG. it hurts like a mother fucker. and pain pills don't even help. :(

o, in other news, jamie and i broke Blue in tonight ;) hehe. i love the way he moans for me. :D

my love doth love me not.....

2006-03-23T07:59:08Z

so i guess shit has hit the fan. so to speak.

terrance says that i creep him out because i think the same things as he does. we'll think the same thing and go to say it at the same time.... he said that wierds him out cuz we just met each other.

UGH WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????!!

i hate my fucking heart. i hate me. i want to die and kill myself slowly with lots of pain and suffering.

i'm so fucking tired of hiding me and terrance from the world. i love him and i really wish that i knew his true feelings. he told me that when i'm not around, he feels like he knows what and who he wants...that he's sure of everything....and her name is angela. but when i'm around, he says he lets his horniness take over and then he gets confused. i don't want to believe it. i don't fucking believe it!! his eyes tell me he loves me, that he wants me. that he fucking CARES. but he verbally says that he doesn't care that it's just his horniness taking over.
he won't even hang out with me tomorrow because he says it will be awkward. what the fucking fuck?!?
he wasn't awkward when we were in his room tonight, laying together and kissing. will someone who understands men better than i do please tell me what the FUCK is going on here?!?

stuff

2006-03-22T02:41:29Z

and so here i am, on mike's computer...... again. jamie is with me. he's in cara's room. i am immensely sore both from being on my period, and from having too much sex, lol.

me and jamie went over to megan and bobby's last night. their apartment is like, 2 of mine!!!! *cries* but then again, they have to pay like, 450 a month for thirs. so i guess i would rather have less space and have to pay less money than have to pay a shitload of money for just one room's worth of space. their apartment smells a tad odd, since they just moved in it doesn't have their scent yet, but other than that and the carpet color, it is fine. i hate the fucking carpet color. it's brown. like that ugly color brown in some of the apartments at kingston. i definitely hate brown carpet with a fucking passion. i want to live in hilltop apartments in peru which is like 275 a month for a two bedroom and they are nice apartments. but i don't know if they allow animals or not.

kenny bought me some sharpie's last night. all rainbow colors. he also bought me a rechargable battery thing with the batteries specially for my type of camera.
well, anywho, i drew on jamie with my sharpie's. i drew a rose in the center of his back, our scorpion tattoo idea on the back of his shoulder, his name in square bubble letters down his right arm, and "Julie's" with an arrow pointing down directly above his u know what lol. :D hehe i am so naughty.

so last night bri came over to my apartment. dave went and sat at the dentist's office waiting for her to get out of there. (bri's dentist is on washington street in kokomo.) then dave brought her to our place. but the medicine they gave her to make her sleep definitely made her throw up a bunch of times last night. :( awww, poor baby. :( she didn't go to school today i guess cuz of her teeth.

i got to see terrance last night also. even though jamie is my life....i still love terrance. and i want to kill myself for it sometimes.

i think i'm getting a uti dammit. fucking body. i want to just shoot myself.

i had to switch from my lip ring back to my labret piece. cuz a) i def. kept getting food stuck in it, and it's hard to drink out of one side of your mouth, and b) terrance didn't like kissing me with it in. lol.

emotional rollercoaster that i'm on...

2006-03-13T22:36:38Z

so, the good news is that cara was never mad at me, she'd just had a really fucking shit ass day. if she was pissed at anyone, it was brianna. cuz bri was kind of being a bitch to her yesterday i guess. i wouldn't know, i don't pay that much attention. and plus i'm bri's gf, so i'm usually not in her mad zone, thank goddess. it's not a good place to be. trust me. but being in cara's mad zone is even worse! cuz cara would not hesitate to kick my ass if i pissed her off that much. lol. so yeah.

i definitely am really mixed up emotionally right now.
-i still kinda sorta almost love kenny still.
-i love terrance with everything i fucking have.
-i am starting to get really into jamie.
-and i like brandon but he's jail bait so that rules him out lol.

i just want everything to be easier. i prayed to selene last night for what i truly wanted. for what i truly want. we will see what happens.